My mom had the gall to ask me if I had a boyfriend...On Runescape.
Dear goodness was that embarrassing on so many levels.
I remember when I liked chocolate...So very long ago.
Turning the humdrum of everyday life into excitement. Or not.
December 22, 2011
December 19, 2011
December 16, 2011
To be sung to the tune of "Part of your World". From The Little Muuuurrrmaaaaaayd.
*Disclaimer* I have no beef with obesity. That's cool. This song is simply about my feelings toward this cake my mom and I bought for our Christmas party.
Look at this cake
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you say my obesity's complete?
Wouldn't you say I'm a whale
who weighs more than everything
I've got cupcakes & pies aplenty
McDonald's & Wendy's galor
You want Whoppers?
I've got 20
But I want more...
I want more
I wanna be where the buffet is
I wanna eat
eat till my pants split
waddling around with my...
What do you call it?
CAAAAAAAANE
Out where there's food
it tastes so good
I wanna roll around in my food
I wanna eat...
Just wanna eat...
The whole wide world
***P.S. I am of an acceptable weight, mom. Do not worry for my sanity.
***P.S. I am of an acceptable weight, mom. Do not worry for my sanity.
December 7, 2011
How to catch his/her eye.
I've put together some very useful hints here for communicating with the opposite sex.
This works for men and women. I am SURE.
So sure.
Entirely.
Really.
I promise.
Yeah.
From experience, I've learned men TOTALLY DIG chicks who are religiously tolerant.
Try a couple of these one-liners to reel your future love-bug in.
"I can light a menorah in five seconds flat."
"Come on over and I'll show you my nativity scene."
"I'll light up your life brighter than Diwali."
"You hajj a nice outfit."
After you let the line fly, wink for emphasis.
It's not creepy or tacky. Really.
Being attractive is important.
Here are a couple tips for maintaining the illusion of that perfect physique:
Instead of a tie I recommend you don a sweatband around your neck. If it doesn't quite fit, carrying a towel to mop up your bodily fluids is almost as effective.
Stretch it out in front of the object of your desire. Highlight your best assets. i.e. If you have a very attractive bellybutton, make sure you bend backwards and thrust it out, clearly displaying your superior genes (check for lint first).
If your man/woman catches you devouring another box of powdered donuts, simply wipe away the sugar, clear your throat, lean in and whisper, "I bet you like that, huh?" Proceed to lick your lips. He/she will be so caught up in your sex appeal that he/she will forget you are a complete glutton.
Make weekly appearances at the gym. You don't actually have to work out. Just be sure your beloved sees you leaving, covered in sweat. Carry a water bottle. Accessorizing is a must.
Show your prospective lover that you're respectful, funny, altruistic, and especially racially diverse.
Allude to your unique racial background.
Subtly.
Example: "Hey, dawg. You're looking quite lovely today. My famry enjoy meet you, yes."
If you can make yourself out to be kind, humorous, and well-mannered just once, you'll never have to worry about it again.
He/she will be confident that somewhere deep down, the man/woman he/she loves is still there.
Lastly, be sensitive.
This may be the single-most important piece of advice.
I recommend you constantly mention your mother, talk about your deep feelings often, and blubber like a baby with a dirty diaper during movies.
Insist your favorite movie is the Titanic.
If you follow these guidelines, you will have a 100% success rate!*
*But only if your ideal sweetheart has a sense of humor. Otherwise, quite honestly, he/she isn't worth the time or effort.
Happy relationship hunting :]
This works for men and women. I am SURE.
So sure.
Entirely.
Really.
I promise.
Yeah.
From experience, I've learned men TOTALLY DIG chicks who are religiously tolerant.
Try a couple of these one-liners to reel your future love-bug in.
"I can light a menorah in five seconds flat."
"Come on over and I'll show you my nativity scene."
"I'll light up your life brighter than Diwali."
"You hajj a nice outfit."
After you let the line fly, wink for emphasis.
It's not creepy or tacky. Really.
Being attractive is important.
Here are a couple tips for maintaining the illusion of that perfect physique:
Instead of a tie I recommend you don a sweatband around your neck. If it doesn't quite fit, carrying a towel to mop up your bodily fluids is almost as effective.
Stretch it out in front of the object of your desire. Highlight your best assets. i.e. If you have a very attractive bellybutton, make sure you bend backwards and thrust it out, clearly displaying your superior genes (check for lint first).
If your man/woman catches you devouring another box of powdered donuts, simply wipe away the sugar, clear your throat, lean in and whisper, "I bet you like that, huh?" Proceed to lick your lips. He/she will be so caught up in your sex appeal that he/she will forget you are a complete glutton.
Make weekly appearances at the gym. You don't actually have to work out. Just be sure your beloved sees you leaving, covered in sweat. Carry a water bottle. Accessorizing is a must.
Show your prospective lover that you're respectful, funny, altruistic, and especially racially diverse.
Allude to your unique racial background.
Subtly.
Example: "Hey, dawg. You're looking quite lovely today. My famry enjoy meet you, yes."
If you can make yourself out to be kind, humorous, and well-mannered just once, you'll never have to worry about it again.
He/she will be confident that somewhere deep down, the man/woman he/she loves is still there.
Lastly, be sensitive.
This may be the single-most important piece of advice.
I recommend you constantly mention your mother, talk about your deep feelings often, and blubber like a baby with a dirty diaper during movies.
Insist your favorite movie is the Titanic.
If you follow these guidelines, you will have a 100% success rate!*
*But only if your ideal sweetheart has a sense of humor. Otherwise, quite honestly, he/she isn't worth the time or effort.
Happy relationship hunting :]
December 6, 2011
"Santa Clawzz"
"You have so much potential to be awesome...but you really aren't using it."
WORK IT, SANTA BOY.
SHOW OFF DEM ASSETS.
LEMME SEE YOU TURN.
DAYUM.
NICE BEARD.
LOOKIN' LEAN.
LOOKIN' MEAN.
BUT IN THE BEST WAY.
Kinda awesome.
Sooo awesome.
SUPER AWESOME.
These are just origami things we made at school with kindergartners.
I don't want to brag but...
I am definitely THE BEST THERE EVER WAS.
Really. It's no big deal that I, you know, rock.
December 5, 2011
The time it takes to read this post = my attention span lately.
About a week ago I realized I had not drawn any amusing comics in quite a while.
So I made some this past week (and by that I mean this morning).
I feel like I should talk about bowling here.
BLAHBLAHibowlBLAHBLAHwintersportBLAHBLAH
And now I should talk about how stressful college apps are.
BLAHBLAHcollegeBLAHBLAHeek!BLAHBLAH
And here is where I mention how unfocused I am in school.
BLAHBLAHhuhwutBLAHBLAHduewhenBLAHBLAH
Alright. Now for the pictures!
Which reminds me...I am 18 now.
Woohoo... (To be read as unenthusiastic as possible.)
So I made some this past week (and by that I mean this morning).
I feel like I should talk about bowling here.
BLAHBLAHibowlBLAHBLAHwintersportBLAHBLAH
And now I should talk about how stressful college apps are.
BLAHBLAHcollegeBLAHBLAHeek!BLAHBLAH
And here is where I mention how unfocused I am in school.
BLAHBLAHhuhwutBLAHBLAHduewhenBLAHBLAH
Alright. Now for the pictures!
Which reminds me...I am 18 now.
Woohoo... (To be read as unenthusiastic as possible.)
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