This one is for you, mom.

My mom had the gall to ask me if I had a boyfriend...On Runescape.

Dear goodness was that embarrassing on so many levels.

I remember when I liked chocolate...So very long ago.

I don't remember what I came to blog about so here is this instead.

I was a slow learner. 

To be sung to the tune of "Part of your World". From The Little Muuuurrrmaaaaaayd.

*Disclaimer* I have no beef with obesity. That's cool. This song is simply about my feelings toward this cake my mom and I bought for our Christmas party.

Look at this cake

Isn't it neat?

Wouldn't you say my obesity's complete?

Wouldn't you say I'm a whale

who weighs more than everything

I've got cupcakes & pies aplenty

McDonald's & Wendy's galor

You want Whoppers?

I've got 20

But I want more...

I want more

I wanna be where the buffet is

I wanna eat

eat till my pants split

waddling around with my...

What do you call it?

CAAAAAAAANE

Out where there's food

it tastes so good

I wanna roll around in my food

I wanna eat...

Just wanna eat...

The whole wide world

***P.S. I am of an acceptable weight, mom. Do not worry for my sanity.

How to catch his/her eye.

I've put together some very useful hints here for communicating with the opposite sex.
This works for men and women. I am SURE.
So sure.
Entirely.
Really.
I promise.
Yeah.

From experience, I've learned men TOTALLY DIG chicks who are religiously tolerant.

Try a couple of these one-liners to reel your future love-bug in.

"I can light a menorah in five seconds flat."
"Come on over and I'll show you my nativity scene."
"I'll light up your life brighter than Diwali."
"You hajj a nice outfit."

After you let the line fly, wink for emphasis.
It's not creepy or tacky. Really.

Being attractive is important.
Here are a couple tips for maintaining the illusion of that perfect physique:

Instead of a tie I recommend you don a sweatband around your neck. If it doesn't quite fit, carrying a towel to mop up your bodily fluids is almost as effective.

Stretch it out in front of the object of your desire. Highlight your best assets. i.e. If you have a very attractive bellybutton, make sure you bend backwards and thrust it out, clearly displaying your superior genes (check for lint first).

If your man/woman catches you devouring another box of powdered donuts, simply wipe away the sugar, clear your throat, lean in and whisper, "I bet you like that, huh?" Proceed to lick your lips. He/she will be so caught up in your sex appeal that he/she will forget you are a complete glutton.

Make weekly appearances at the gym. You don't actually have to work out. Just be sure your beloved sees you leaving, covered in sweat. Carry a water bottle. Accessorizing is a must.

 Show your prospective lover that you're respectful, funny, altruistic, and especially racially diverse.

Allude to your unique racial background.
Subtly.
Example: "Hey, dawg. You're looking quite lovely today. My famry enjoy meet you, yes."

If you can make yourself out to be kind, humorous, and well-mannered just once, you'll never have to worry about it again.

He/she will be confident that somewhere deep down, the man/woman he/she loves is still there.

Lastly, be sensitive.


This may be the single-most important piece of advice.
I recommend you constantly mention your mother, talk about your deep feelings often, and blubber like a baby with a dirty diaper during movies.

Insist your favorite movie is the Titanic.

If you follow these guidelines, you will have a 100% success rate!*

*But only if your ideal sweetheart has a sense of humor. Otherwise, quite honestly, he/she isn't worth the time or effort.


Happy relationship hunting :]

"Santa Clawzz"

"You have so much potential to be awesome...but you really aren't using it."

WORK IT, SANTA BOY.

SHOW OFF DEM ASSETS.

LEMME SEE YOU TURN.

DAYUM.

NICE BEARD.

LOOKIN' LEAN.

LOOKIN' MEAN.

BUT IN THE BEST WAY.

Kinda awesome.

Sooo awesome.

SUPER AWESOME.

These are just origami things we made at school with kindergartners.

I don't want to brag but...

I am definitely THE BEST THERE EVER WAS.

Really. It's no big deal that I, you know, rock.

The time it takes to read this post = my attention span lately.

About a week ago I realized I had not drawn any amusing comics in quite a while.
So I made some this past week (and by that I mean this morning).

I feel like I should talk about bowling here.

BLAHBLAHibowlBLAHBLAHwintersportBLAHBLAH

And now I should talk about how stressful college apps are.

BLAHBLAHcollegeBLAHBLAHeek!BLAHBLAH

And here is where I mention how unfocused I am in school.

BLAHBLAHhuhwutBLAHBLAHduewhenBLAHBLAH

Alright. Now for the pictures!

Which reminds me...I am 18 now.
Woohoo... (To be read as unenthusiastic as possible.)

May contain *slight* exaggerations.

Good deed of the day:

Replaced toilet paper roll.

Sigh

I am tired all the time.

And hungry.

Which is fine.
These are mostly from my notes and free periods at school.
I drew one of them twice.
I hope that's ohkay.
School has been kind of 'meh' lately.
Sorry about my lack of coherence. It's really difficult for me to piece together stories about my day mostly because I have a bit too much on my plate right now.
But I can share my doodles.
Not that they're spectacular or anything.

Seriously. Go away.

I painted this a while ago. It has been hanging on my wall for nearly a month.

I neglected to post it so here you are. It's a slug. Cool, huh?

...And posting that is not the only thing I've neglected.

List of things I should have taken care of but have not:

• College apps
• Senior project stuff
• My dirty room
• Various club "things"
• Homework - There is way more than any senior should have. Ever. Period.
• That pile of mail on the floor...Accumulating dust.

Soooooo...

I guess I will get to work on some of that.

Since mom is going to read this.

And falcon punch me.

-whisper- I am kidding. She is not abusive, I promise.

"Is that a finger?"

There is this hilarious girl at my school( No, no. Not me.).

She's very good-humored and the reason I can make this post.

...

Because it is about her.

Freshman year of high school, it was MANDATORY to take a health class.

You know how it works.

"Let's talk about drugs, sex, and deodorant!"

Yeah. My changing body. The coolest.

Eventually, there came a time when we received permission slips.

For what you ask?

I'LL TELL YOU!

The STD slideshow!

The hippest, rockin'-est, most disgusting, horrific exhibition around!

This girl signed the slip, and came into class like everyone else,

ready to learn about how procreation will make you suffer and die.

She walked in and had a seat.

The slideshow was already up.

Unfortunately.

She glanced at it for half a second,

and without much thought asked...

Everyone was in hysterics.

Is that a finger? Oh, ho ho ho!

No.

That is NOT a finger.

That is a...

Well.

You know.

It's a bit of a legend at my school.

I am going to let you read this.

...Because I am SUPER nice.

I know, I know.

What an altruistic individual I am.

So caring.

So wonderful.

How much more amazing can I get?

...

You'll definitely have to click the images to see though.

Sorry 'bout that.

I've got real problems here in the first world.

...I drew seven vowels in Scrabble.

...I ran out of toilet paper and no one is home to save me.

...Someone drank the last can of v8 Fusion.

...I can't find my favorite color nail polish.

...My laptop charger cord broke.

I lead a tough life.

Hash tags I would make popular if I used Twatter

#coolkidshaveacne

#ridemybikebabeitsatandem

#talkmathtome

#likemyflashdrivesweetthang

#mlpswagg

#doyourownhwcretin

#pleasedontstuffmeinthetrashcanagain


...#whyiamwastingmyfreetime

I AM FIERCELY COMPETITIVE...With myself.

Here are some things I drew a while ago but never posted. They have no real relevance to anything.