I am Seriously Disillusioned

Last night I learned something that turned my life upside down. The truth was revealed to me, and I thought maybe it was all a practical joke, designed to make me feel like some inferior life form. Kind of like pond scum.

But ... Alas! It was not so.

My life has been lived in ignorance, wrongly believing in how babies are made. I thought to make a baby [BZZZZZZ!! INTERRUPTION/DISCLAIMER- Please scroll to the end of the blog for a happy picture of unicorns and walruses if you cannot handle blood, "the time of the month", birth, or dragons] you had to "do the deed" when it was that time of the month.

I could never understand how anyone had children that way, unless they were seriously sick in the head and loved the idea of swimming in blood. So I ignorantly thought most babies were happy mistakes. I was wrong.

Last night, my mom said she didn't realize people could get pregnant on their periods. WOAH. I was shocked. Though thoroughly confused, I played it off like, "Yeah. I know right? TOTALLY WACKO," while in my head, it felt like a thousand dragons simultaneously spontaneously combusted.

I had thought all along it was the only way. Sigh. I am always wrong.

My health class must have been boring.

Magical Creatures of Awesome

I drew some pretty pictures during free period. I wanted to share with someone. Here they are. They got me thinking about what might happen if a unicorn and a dragon engaged in battle.

Would the fire-breathing, rib-crushing, head-eating dragon prevail... or would the mind-boggling magical skills of unicorns be enough to thwart the foe? Find out, next episode.*

*There probably won't be one.

Anatomy of a Dragon

Bodily Functions

Today I was sitting and innocently watching the school play dress rehearsal with a friend*. We were having a pretty good time, sitting in the middle of the theater and taking pictures of the actors doing their thing, when I began to smell something.

*He wasn't actually a friend. More like a well-known acquaintance.

I had been gassy all day long, and frequently letting loose (silently- I have no doubt it was undetectable) in uncontrollable flatulence spasms. Now I wondered if perhaps the scent was attributed to one of these occurrences?

I shrunk down in my seat, hoping to stifle the smell, when my companion waved his hand in front of his nose, as if to say, "Whoo! It smells like someone has crapped their pants."

AWESOME.

In an effort to stall for time I whispered, "Yeah, dude. I was thinking the same thing. Something smells gross."

Shockingly, he answered, "Yeah, sorry. I had a cheeseburger last night and since then it's just been..."

I didn't hear the rest of what he said. There were two things wrong with this.

1. He owned up to his fart. Outside of family, this never happens.

2. He's hindu. Burger...? I think not!

I smiled weakly and nodded, then turned my attention to my cell phone, texting furiously.

Ah, but the awkward did not stop there, oh no.

"I was just going to text you that this is fun," He said (sarcastically the 'this is fun' part), "And I realized I don't have your number."

Really? That's very interesting... >__> ... It would have been impolite if I had not offered him my phone number. So I read it out loud for him, all the while thinking about how peculiar it was for him to steer

the conversation in this direction.

There are a few questions you just shouldn't ask if you've just farted.

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and pretend he is even more socially inept than I am.