"Wut u dont keep a shank in ur purse 2??//?"

I have this odd habit.

This thing I do when I'm driving alone...

Sometimes I feel like I am being followed.

So I will stop my car and wait for the one behind

me to pass...Just to shake the feeling.

When I get angry

and bad words or mean thoughts run through my head...

"Duck this!"

"I will kill your first born!"

"What do you MEAN you don't like tomatoes?! That's practically sacrilegious!"

I get really scared

my teachers and friends and parents

are all secretly mind readers.

So I try to think about puppies and cake instead.

I can't use the restroom in public places.

I am so frightened the person in the stall over will hear me

and think to herself...

"DAYUM. That girl urinates SO LOUDLY. WHAT. A. FREAK."

I am one of those people who puts their keys between their

fingers when they walk to the car

so if a rapist tries to get at me

I can claw his face and run.

I check under my bed, in my closet, on the top bunk, and pat my covers

to check for possible intruders

before I do a barrel roll into bed...

Just in case a monster or serial killer snuck under there

while I was checking all the other places.

I am terrified that the strangers watch me change

so I always keep the blinds closed.

I am not paranoid.

I am cautious.

>>Here is a crudely drawn picture of a sea lion wearing a jet pack to accompany this post<<

Why is life so tough?

A REALLY big box.

Well this is kind of sad.

"That one time nobody raped, murdered, stole, lied, or mugged anyone.

And there was an abundance of puppies.

It was a good day."

"Preach it, man."

What...What is this?

This was a thing I won this one time ohkay I'm serious it is real so quit heckling me!

There are too many funny things I could say...

...So these will have titles above the pictures.

Except this one. 

I don't have a title for this one.

"An attractive stick figure sells her wares"

"But can it make my mother love me"

"Truthful advertising"

"You want sex appeal? I'll give you sex appeal!

Just let me -BURRRRRRRRRRRP-

What was I saying?"

" 'Let's start a trend.

We'll make it cool to be nice to everyone.'

'That'll never catch on.' "

" 'Is it possible to substitute puppies and pie?'

'That seems acceptable.' "

Uplifting message of the day:

You are awesome and everyone should be jealous.

I just wanted to make sure you knew.